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Jokes

Sound engineer Jokes
Producer Jokes
Guitar Jokes
Piano & Organ Jokes
Bass Jokes
Drummer Jokes
Other Instrument Jokes
Miscellaneous

Sound Engineer Jokes

How many sound technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, two, one, two
2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

In the future, how many sound engineers will you need to replace a light source?
Five. Four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were, and one to actually do it.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

The engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they'll each assume you're spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the studio and get some work done."

A sound engineering student is walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a great bike?" asks the first.

The second engineer replies, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said take what you want.'"

The second engineer nods approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Producer Jokes

How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

What is the difference between a producer and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

How do you tell if a producer is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

One day the musicians for a rather large recording session were assembling at a studio. Everyone had their headphones on, the session was close to getting underway and the producer of the session came over the talkback system and said "Okay I need to have total silence!", Just then the drummer on the session played a big barumdum Crash! The record producer angrily replied, "Okay who did that?".

Guitar Jokes

Why is a guitarist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they just steal somebody else's light.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

How is lightning like a guitarist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Piano & Organ Jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

What does a Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".

Bass Player Jokes

Why do bass players stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What do bass players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What did the bass player get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Drummer Jokes

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

Did you hear about the time the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

A drummer was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The drummer took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."
The drummer guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.

The drummer got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The drummer selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.

The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The drummer was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."

A guitarist and a percussionist were walking in a park. The percussionist saw a dead crow and said to the violist, "Look, a dead crow."
The drummer looked up and asked, "Where?"

Other Instrument Jokes

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

Miscellaneous Jokes

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two millions.

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."